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Post by Vavrinec on Jan 10, 2006 18:54:07 GMT -5
It needs a lot more detailing in likes and dislikes. Youre nearly naked except for chainmaile and platelegs... If you are an empire rider, why would you like the Varden and hate Galby? You have to have some sort of family, everyone does. Basically, beef up all of your descriptions.
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Post by dannylam4 on Jan 10, 2006 19:07:42 GMT -5
No joining the Varden. You want to be a rider, you have to be Empire.
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Post by Ragond on Jan 10, 2006 19:14:46 GMT -5
Clothing : (What your characters usual attire is) iron chainmail, platelegs < Chainmail and plate legs eh. Sounds like you play too much runescape  What attire does your charecter commonly wear, I don't think they would just walk around in chainmail all the time (It would chafe like crazy  ) Preferred Weapon(s) : (What weapon(s) your character likes to use most, what they look like) Gold and silver dragon ride sword < NO DRAGON RIDER SWORDS, where the heck did you get one. Personality : (Your characters personality, in detail) gullible, lazy, no patients. < Patients, don't you mean patience, needs more detail. Likes/Dislikes : likes varden and dislikes galbatorix < Needs more detail, why, what else does he like and dislike. Family : (Mother, father, brother, sister etc. Any remaining family, names also) no family < Cumon, did you just magically appear. Even if there dead, they got to be there. If they are dead, explain that in your history. Brief History : was a rider for the empire but bretrayed them to join the varden. < Way more detail, if you were a rider for the empire, you could in no way betray them for the reason that you would have been made to swear allegeince to galby in the ancient langauge Anything extra : none. < A little tidbit here would be nice. |
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Post by Vavrinec on Jan 10, 2006 19:22:48 GMT -5
I do not think they had jeans. |
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Post by Nihael on Jan 10, 2006 21:38:35 GMT -5
Brom was your brother and Jeans man????
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Post by dannylam4 on Jan 10, 2006 21:41:54 GMT -5
I don't think any family of Brom's would be alive due to either age or the empire taking care of them O.o
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Post by Metri on Jan 10, 2006 21:48:35 GMT -5
and why would the varden kill Broms mother
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Post by Ragond on Jan 10, 2006 22:30:19 GMT -5
Whoah, now its even worse and makes even less sense.
Clothing : (What your characters usual attire is) iron chainmail, platelegs, ox fur long sleeve shirt, black jeans with a red stripe down the leg,leather elf shoes. < Bit better, bit why don't you try "Black leather trousers" or summat like that.
Preferred Weapon(s) : (What weapon(s) your character likes to use most, what they look like) Gold and silver dragon rider sword with leather handle. < Still haven't dealt with the dragon rider sword.
Personality : (Your characters personality, in detail) gullible, adventuris, not patient. < Still not deatialed enough
Likes/Dislikes : likes the empire and dislikes varden < Still not detailed enough
Family : (Mother, father, brother, sister etc. Any remaining family, names also)mother was killed by Ajihads men, dad ran off to herd off a pack of urgals and was killed by urgals,brom was my older brother but was killed by the raz'ac. < I don't think that Broms mom would be alive at the same time as Ajihad anyway, (Cumon, Brom is almost as old as Galby) not that the Varden would kill her. I don't even think that you could be 23 and still be Broms bro, maybe his nephew or great nephew.
Brief History : was a rider for the varden but bretrayed them afterthey killed his mother and joined the empire. < There are no varden eggs left, no switching sides. Needs more detail.
Anything extra : none. < Just a little tidbit here would be nice.
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Post by Metri on Jan 11, 2006 0:14:01 GMT -5
There are no more rider spots left you must come up with a new character or keep this one and change him from a rider and edit all the stuff that is needed.
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Post by Metri on Jan 11, 2006 16:16:53 GMT -5
History needs to be longer, likes and dislikes needs to be longer, personality needs to be longer. Also i think you might want to make your char a little bit older.
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Post by dannylam4 on Jan 11, 2006 16:52:57 GMT -5
Everything needs to be longer. Don't repost your Char, just use the modify button.
Edit: Cutman? What kind of nickname is that? Sounds like you're a character from megaman. And use proper spelling, grammar, and capitalization.
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Post by tomhead3 on Jan 11, 2006 17:03:26 GMT -5
Full Name :Adamis
Other name : (Any nicknames, alias')Adam
Race: : (Read the section on race)human
Side : (Varden, Empire, Neutral) Varden
Birthplace:Surda
Age : 34
Gender : Male
Birthday : 10-23
Eyes : (Color, etc)his eyes are a very deep green like the color of leaves.
Hair : (Color, style, length etc) long straight black hair
Weight : 117
Height : 5' 3"
Magic User : (Yes or no. Must suit the character) no
Clothing : (What your characters usual attire is) he wears solid black trousers,solid black shirt,dark green vest,and brown leather shoes.
Preferred Weapon(s) : (What weapon(s) your character likes to use most, what they look like) he prefers to use a broad long sword with silver long blade and a golden handle.
Personality : (Your characters personality, in detail) he is bright,wise,impatient,gullible and hates enemies, he doesn't enjoy company, to have him accept company they have to prove their self to him.
Likes/Dislikes : likes the Varden and dislikes empire because they killed his mother when he was 12, he enjoys sparing around with other beings, and losing makes him angry.
Family : (Mother, father, brother, sister etc. Any remaining family, names also)Marlia his mother, was killed by Galbatorix's men,Dormon his dad, ran off to herd off a pack of urgals and was killed by them.
Brief History : He doesn't know where he was born. All he knows is that he was born in Surda. He was taken in by his uncle,Brison. When he was 16 his uncle told him how his mother and father died. Adamis was devastated. He ran off into the Boar Mtn. and was captured by a group of dwarves and taken to the twins so they could search his mind.
They searched his mind and found he didn't have anything bad in his life. They let him in and gave him something to eat. After that they sent him to meet Ajihad. He went to meet Ajihad and Ajihad told him if he were to stay he would have to be a fighter for the Varden. He went through the training and was accepted into the Varden as a fighter as he was a commanded. He met Eragon and fought in the battle against the urgals. He still fights for the now.
Anything extra:"none"
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Post by Metri on Jan 11, 2006 17:11:23 GMT -5
Did you change anything
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Post by Niniel on Jan 11, 2006 17:27:00 GMT -5
There aren't any rider spots left.. terribly sorry.
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Post by dannylam4 on Jan 11, 2006 17:37:07 GMT -5
Stop wearing chainmail... You'll only wear that around if you're in battle. Why would a Varden kill someone's parents? Think up a story! There'd be a reason so explain that in detail. Maybe his parents were traitors but he never knew? And yes, we're fresh out of Empire Eggs. Describe your personality, not just one word descriptions.
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Post by dannylam4 on Jan 11, 2006 18:59:46 GMT -5
x.x no... You can't change how all that stuff happened in the past. Galbatorix is an expert mind reader, there's no fooling him. The eggs were found by Brom and... whatshisface, no one else. Actually, whatshisface didn't even know that Brom found the eggs. And there is no way Galbatorix would be stupid enough to allow a Elf into the Empire unless they swore allegence. And when I said "Describe your personality, not just one word descriptions," I didn't mean "Add 'he is' to the front of your descriptions." Try again. Maybe it'd be easier if you just play a cannon character instead of making your own character.
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Post by Nihael on Jan 11, 2006 23:05:54 GMT -5
Slasher... a odd nickname, maybe you could try something a little less campy-horror-film-esque? btw Danny It was Brom and Jeod. Yeah and as Danny said, I doubt Galby would let anyone, let alone an Elf, into his confidence without an oath of allegiance in the Ancient Language.
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Post by dannylam4 on Jan 12, 2006 12:38:16 GMT -5
Jeod... I knew that... <<;
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Post by tomhead3 on Jan 12, 2006 16:14:29 GMT -5
please contact me and tell me whats wrong I want to get accepted??????
pppllleeeaaassseee
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Post by tomhead3 on Jan 12, 2006 16:33:32 GMT -5
how do u get money?
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What attire does your charecter commonly wear, I don't think they would just walk around in chainmail all the time (It would chafe like crazy 
)
