(New World Saga) Need Advice Quickly

[Brenton]

The world ended, or so everyone thought, in a day of mass hysteria that ripped brother from sister, father from son, mother from daughter, and husband from wife. It was chaos out of order that had been bred by one act of terrorism meant to harm the powerful and show they were, in fact, the weak. Bombs exploded over cities made of steel and glass while civilians stood below screaming for their lives that they saw flash before their eyes. Yet there was nothing any of them could do, since it had been surprise sprung upon them, and most were still asleep in their beds.

Now, seven years later, one group rises from the ashes of the once great nation of America to stand with their allies. They, having been only teenagers when the bombs exploded, know nothing of what happened but they are not the same as they were before. Ragtag in their appearance, this group was nothing but a band of thieves and assassins hired to do the bidding of those who could pay for their survival. Now, though, they are stronger and faster with reflexes of unknown proportions. They were once the outcasts of their generation and now they are the last hope to their dying people who plead for forgiveness from a power known only as the Empress.

Yet, even with all of their power, are they prepared for what is to lay ahead? Even if it means coming face to face with the one person who got them locked away for so long? And how does this long forgotten traitor make their appearance in the Resistance's life again? Will the world be the same or will the last defenders of those great powers such as America, England, and France fall for the final time, dooming them all to a life of pitiful sorrow?

[Quetzal]

First of all I think I should make it clear that the I don't really care much for the whole action fight-after-fight clear good guy vs bad guy yeah 'murica boo terrorists/damn commies/whoever it's fashionable to hate genre. I may not be the best person to give advice on something that tends to disinterest or bore me, but I'll try my best.

I'm going to assume this is the blurb? Might be a bit long, maybe only by a sentence or two. Could cut out one of the questions at the bottom. It gives a good feel for the sort of story you've got there. Let's start with 'civilians stood below screaming for their lives that they saw flash before their eyes.' the 'flash before their eyes' bit makes the sentence run on too long, doesn't flow so well, I would leave it out since it's unnecessary. The phrase 'most were still asleep in their beds' at the end of the first paragraph seems out of place. I know exactly what you're trying to say; that most civilians were still asleep when the bombing happened. It just doesn't read so well, half conjuring the image of people sleeping through the bombings. I'd suggest adding a clarification that they were asleep before the attacks happened at the end, or replacing it altogether.

They know nothing of what happened because they were teenagers. Really? When the twin towers were bombed I was 5 years old, but I remember very clearly watching it on the news before school and talking about it with my parents. I'm a teenager now and still pay some attention to current affairs. I'd certainly do an awful lot of research and keeping up with news if my country was attacked. I don't buy you claiming these teenagers know absolutely nothing about what happened.

'...even with all of their power' what power? You didn't mention they were powerful, you made them sound like a group of underdogs struggling to make it in a new world where they weren't accepted. To suddenly claim they're actually very powerful is very contradictory. 'Even if it means coming face to face with the one person who got them locked away for so long?' sounds like a bit of a spoiler. If I've been recommended a book, I don't tend to read the blurb because they have spoilers in sometimes, and it's hard to tell how minor or major those are. To me what you said there obviously says they're going to have to deal with an old enemy like some kind of boss fight, they'll be a bit of build up to it, etc etc.

Sorry if I sounded mean at any point here, I wasn't trying to be. This was meant to be constructive criticism. On the whole, I think it's good. It does what it aims to. It has excitement in it, promising a fast-paced action-packed story with elements of struggle and war and so on. It draws people in and does seem pretty inviting. The things I pointed out were, for me, things that interrupted the flow of it or generally gave me pause when reading it. Mostly pretty minor stuff, and of course it's just advice, you can ignore it or listen or challenge it as you will.

[Brenton]

Hmm not really sure how to say this without being a jerk and contradicting everything so here goes my best shot. Just know I have a very muddled mind and I may take a piece of the main character's first appearance to show you. You already read the part with the group going in and being captured, I believe. And honestly that is a minor detail if you don't know the whole point of it.

Now then, yes they are outcasts and underdogs to start with, very much like what I first envisioned Brenton to be like before ever creating him. I really can't go into detail on how they are powerful but think of Maximum Ride mixed with like Chuck Norris and every baws crime fighter you have seen. Then throw in a crappy background with little to remember without pain and you get the gist of their "power". There actually is a reason they remember nothing about what happened but once again, huge spoiler and I refuse to give that away for personal author reasons.

The betrayal thing that you think is a spoiler can be considered as one but that isn't really all that important. More of just a twist for you to read as you go through the books, starting with who it is and then who they eventually become. The Empress is no one you have met yet. Commies and all terrorist things being hated on is not really the point of this book and that's why I left out some of the countries like Iraq, Iran, Afghanistan, China, and Russia being bombed as well. One specific country from a past war that the US fought in is who started all of this. If you think you can figure it out then go ahead but lemme tell you, they are not to friendly and as ground zero, they still have tech.

The wording and run on sentences I didn't intend to add in but as I am sick and feeling very tired lately, it just happened. I'll try to fix that before having this be the blurb to get people to read the book. Yes it needs polished up and I'll admit that but that's the reason I want and need criticism or advice.

(( Midafternoon, a time where the sun was at its highest and the temperature was also nearest the peak, was a cold moment for the youthful boy walking down the streets. He was dressed in what he had thought were nice clothes, when he went to school that day, but came to find out were rags. Denim jeans that had faded in color and were ripped along the legs with the bottoms walked off, a shirt made of black cotton that was one size too small and would expose his abdomen if he raised his arms, a worn white hoodie that had stains on the sleeves and the zipper was missing, and lastly, a pair of shoes that his toes could stick through the front of without issue. That was the lad's attire for school everyday and he saw no issues with it until today.
Today was the day that the normally so shy boy finally worked up his courage to walk up to the prettiest girl in school, with her long wavy blonde hair that fell around her face to frame the sea green eyes she turned on him. The girl that had been so nice to every other boy who ever talked to her even if she couldn't possibly see herself dating them. And yet when he walked up to her, with his ragged clothes and greasy black hair that badly needed cut, she smirked viciously. The one movement of her lips made him twinge with pain as the boy knew what was coming next.
She spoke with venom dripping from her every word, as she made sure to enunciate each syllable to be perfectly clear. "Go away, street rat. No one here likes to see you, let alone be seen talking to you." That made the boy snarl in pain as he balled up his fists but for some reason, even at 12 years old he was unable to do what he wanted to. He wanted to hit her in her mouth for spewing such hateful things but the boy knew better than to hit a girl.
So instead and spun around a stalked away from her, his eyes tearing up at the thought of turning 13 tomorrow and being turned down at yet another school. He had no friends and that was just how it was at every place he'd ever lived before. "Hey, scum! Why don't you turn around and tell me just why it is that you were talking to my little sister." The words reached the boy's ears and he remembered it clearly as he spun once more to face the older kid.
Nearing six feet in height, with the build of a football player, the kid had to be a junior or at the least a sophomore in high school but he insisted on picking on eighth graders. It wasn't a big deal to the 12 year old boy until he saw the fist flying toward him and knew he should dodge it. Yet how could you dodge something that was the size of you bedroom window? So the kid took the punch to the eye, sending him hurtling into a locker behind him.
"D...don't hit me again!" The boy spoke in a slurred voice as he gritted his teeth to keep the pain at bay for the time being. He couldn't allow weakness to show in front of someone older than him who wished to fight. "I...if you d...do then I'll beat your face i...in!" It was an idle threat coming from someone half this guy's size but apparently hit a sore spot.
"You think you're man enough to take me on? Well how about with the odds a little more against you? Oh don't worry, big boys like you can handle four guys and come out on top." The high schooler snarled as three other boys his size surrounded the eighth grader with determination.
Odds were very high that the kid would get his face beat to a bloody pulp and possibly be unable to distinguish it from ground beef but odds were never good for a street rat. Besides, living on the streets had taught this kid a few things such as how to fight in matches with big disadvantages. The next thing the younger boy knew, he was on the ground, his arms and legs pinned while two of the older guys proceeded to wail on him.
The room was spinning and the lights were beginning to flicker as the boy was continuously hit in the stomach and face and chest. A few blows even landed below the belt which caused him to scream in anguish as well as pure fury. Blood was dripping from his nose and the corner of his mouth as well as from a cut on his temple where one of the older kids had hit him with a ring. Each salty drop blinded him but the younger boy was still fighting to break free when suddenly he felt the weight lift off his arms and legs.
Sounds of another fight were reaching his ears like they came down a long tunnel even though they were right next to him. Finally the kid was able to stand up and he saw a white haired boy standing with his face screwed up in anger at the way they were treating him. "You can back out of this, Zak. We have no quarrel with you, just the little runt who thinks he can talk to my sister."
"And yet you fight four on one, holding him down to win. Real manly there. Run along and take your precious sister with you, you jock." The boy, Zak, looked to be slightly older than the young boy but he was still dressed similarly. So they knew how this Zak fought and they didn't like to mess with him? Well that worked to the kid's advantage for now.)) - Small part to show what they are like before the bombings.

[Nandon]

Lemme guess...North Korea?

[Brenton]

No comment

[Quetzal]

Of course you can contradict me, that's fine, it's your work! I get that what I said make more sense when you put it into context with the rest of the book, but a blurb is most likely the first thing a potential reader is going to see so they, like me, or even less than me since you've talked and posted about this before, won't know anything of the context you meant it in. I was giving you thoughts of someone's first impression having barely seen the world you've invented before.

If you don't think it's much of a spoiler, leave it in then. As for the not knowing for some other reason, I'd still suggest you don't try pinning their age as the culprit. I didn't buy it and neither will many other people, so mention both if you want because they're both important facts, but maybe don't link them together as cause and effect because it doesn't work. I know exactly the sort of character you mean, by the way. Tragic past, everyone hated them because of reasons but now they're back and they're stronger than anyone would ever believe, the grungy heroes here to kick the bad guy's arses and save the day. Better way to describe that than 'powerful' though?

The extract looks good, better than the stuff you write here on your 3DS! Couple of pointers: 'every day' is two words when you mean the same thing as 'each day', not one, which means the same thing as 'ordinary' (end of first paragraph), and you should put a space after an ellipse (Jesse, if I remember his name correctly, speaking in the 6th paragraph). Really picky stuff I know, but trust me, it can't hurt to proof read like crazy and get every little detail right. I've a friend who's a published author (sadly, while I thought it was a really good book as a reader not just as a friend, the book didn't get the publicity it deserved) and I've talked to her while she worked on editing, her editor having highlighted at least one thing on every page. Editors and publishers get very petty over details so it gives a good impression to have them ironed out early on.

I don't know how helpful I'm being, I'm trying to be completely honest with you since I myself would rather people do that with me than pretend everything's amazing when it's something as huge and difficult as trying to publish a book. I'm not much of a writer myself, although I do read, so I don't know how good a judge I am.

[Brenton]

Actually I've come to find out that avid readers who ENJOY what they read are the best critics. They spot tiny details that they wouldn't like. Details that most would think were unimportant but could actually throw off the entire book and cause failure. Of course professors and published authors are good critics as well but it is my opinion that you should run it by people who aren't emotionally attached to the book and who like to read. Then go to authors and literature professors for more help.

Anyhow, yeah I typed that up on my laptop and so that was basically a copy and paste type deal from a document. 3DS posts are absolutely horrendous and I try not to put any up because you can't see how well you've typed up the rest.

Basically yeah that is the general character idea but because I am a huge conspiracy theorist in my spare time, I have thought that the American government is doing gene splicing experiments. There are things related to government experiments in this as well as a project called the SSG (Super Soldier Genesis) which is pretty much a gene splicing and other things thrown in deal.

Ellipsis ... well I always just knew what it was but not all the finer details of how to use it in writing. Thanks for the tip, Quetzal. That's something I probably wouldn't have known for awhile. With "petty" things I'm learning how to write better so thanks again.

[Quetzal]

I suppose you're right. Most of your readership will be your average person, not a professor or professional critic, after all.

Conspiracy theories, eh? Can't say I've ever believed those, though some can be interesting ideas. Some of them don't make logical or scientific sense though. The gene splicing thing sounds a lot like Captain America.

You don't need to put a space before an ellipses, just after. Like... this. English is said to be the easiest language to get by in but the hardest one to learn properly, since people will understand what you say if you mangle it, but writing or speaking it completely correctly is a right pain. Most people are completely unaware of some rules. I find new words all the time, and occasionally notice that something I've always done is entirely wrong.

[Brenton]

"Note carefully the spacing of the ellipsis marks and the surrounding characters in the examples above. In mid-sentence, a space should appear between the first and last ellipsis marks and the surrounding letters. If a quotation is meant to trail off (as in Juan's bemused thought), leave a space between the last letter and the first ellipsis mark but do not include a period with the ellipsis marks." grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/ellipsis.htm

Anyhow, I had to look up what an ellipsis was and came across that which makes quite a bit of sense.

Gene splicing is actually supposed to be a thing but in more of the medical field with creating test tube organs. I figured that if it exists then why not use it for my book and see where it goes. Captain America was a serum, by the way, which did a whole lot of nothing other than give him enhanced strength and speed as well as a better build.

[Quetzal]

I did not know that, I was going by what I thought I'd seen in books before.

Oh yes gene splicing exists, that fact's not a conspiracy theory. It's the process of putting DNA from one organism into that of another. It's pretty routine thing for genetic engineering, done all the time for medical testing, growing organs, as well as in industry for crops with better yields and to make cultures of microbes secreting things like human insulin - obviously not something anything except human pancreatic beta cells would produce, and useful since the only other source of insulin would be to kill hundreds of animals for their pancreas, which wouldn't give you much anyway. Gene splicing is complicated in theory, but actually fairly easy in practice. I've done it myself. At school I genetically engineered some E coli to glow in the dark and to be resistant to antibiotics. Best experiment ever! So if you need any help with explaining any sciencey aspects of the gene spicing stuff, or want to describe it or mention anything you'd use for it etc I might be able to help!

[Brenton]

Hmm yeah I knew that medical fields used gene splicing for organs and stuff like that but I'm talking about taking one creature and splicing it's genes with another creature's to create a more advanced being. Kinda not possible in my opinion for what happens but it would still be cool as all get out. Anyhow, yeah I talk to you if I need any advice on how to word all of that.